看過絕望的眼神嗎？我不僅看過，而且歷歷在目。

十年前的事，認識一對年輕夫妻，丈夫罹患胰臟癌，妻子貼身照顧。

我前往長庚養生村的安寧中心探視他們，瘦骨如材的他連正眼都無法直視我，這種無助我很熟悉，也很抗拒。

他太太氣質很好，我們互相留下聯絡方式，可是先生離開後，她隨即失聯。

類似的眼神沒有間斷出現，不致於都歸類在絕望，幾乎都可以歸類在遺憾或無助。

空幻無神的眼睛，到底訴說著什麼樣的心情？可以從遺憾的背後發現哪些一致的軌跡？

 

沒刻意把人分類，眼前的種種就這樣的分歧，有人意志和目標都明確，目標模糊的人意志相對薄弱。

兩個世界和兩種人，一個大世界和一個小世界，大世界的人想很多、阻礙很多，隨波逐流是既定的處世方式，理所當然是他們的思考習性。

這個小世界其實是個極小的族類，他們的視野中沒有恐懼，他們的眼神沒有任何懦弱的痕跡，目標清晰明確是他們一致的特質。

嚴格說，兩個世界具備相同的目標，差別在目標是否被刻意模糊，我很想去那個地方，可是我暫時沒有能力去，真相也是假象，沒有意願做取代了沒有勇氣做。

是真的沒有意願嗎？不是，是不敢，是膽怯，是懦弱，就是那個逞強的眼神，很想做，可是不敢，不能承認不敢的最佳演出是「我不需要這麼做」。

直覺是人類最珍貴的感官，提供資訊的研判來自不相同的時空，屬於靈性意識和身體意識達成共識之後的傳輸，忽視或迴避，大腦意識不是真的想錯過，可是就是堅持錯過。

 

心理治療師夏洛特福克斯韋伯（Charlotte Fox Weber）的著作《我們想要什麼？（What We Want）》裡面記錄她和一位胰臟癌末期女性患者的對話，當事人在生命隨時要結束的時刻，說出自己的遺憾，真實陳述因懦弱而造成的傷痛。

她是一位外交官的妻子，跟隨夫婿出使別的國度，光鮮亮麗的人生卻藏匿著對孩子的愧歉以及大使先生的怨懟，來自兩件令她遺憾的事件，孩子被她送到寄宿學校是一件，先生在巴西外遇生子是一件。

對孩子的思念和愧歉隱藏在內心，知道先生另外有孩子一樣留在記憶深處，癌症特質的個案總是看到那莫名的堅持，堅持在懦弱門口繞路，堅持讓虛榮和身段做主人。

有那麼一天我們都會清楚自己要什麼，那是生命真正的價值，譬如這位大使夫人期待和孩子擁抱，譬如對雙親的教養表達感激，可是會有一種奇特的力量出來障礙，大腦意識非常刻意的繞過直覺的指引。

對於人的虛假，你我都很熟悉，就是會有那種無法帥真的場合，就是會有必須要強勢表態的時候，其實那都不是虛假，是懦弱，是膽怯。

生命倒數計時總結之際，我們都會為自己這一生的行為做回顧檢視，那些遺憾的背後竟然都是懦弱，那些理直氣壯的神情不過就是懦弱和傲慢的合體。

 

我何其有幸，工作場合盡是人性的真假示範，我太了解盔甲身影背地裡的懦弱，因為眼神無法騙人，眼神閃躲的片刻就是把懦弱藏在抽屜內的過程。

眼神會說話，「我要」從眼神射出，「我可以」從肢體動作看出，「我願意」就是大腦和直覺握手的結論。

身體之道不是營養素的取捨，也不是品牌的挑選，更不是專家論述的對錯研判，直覺是身體的表述，可能是你沒收到，可能是你誤以為是垃圾信件。

健康之事身體最內行，生命的方向靈性最清楚，我們也許終其一生都讓狀況外的大腦擔任導遊，誤會身體的意思，不解靈性的吶喊，不小心撞進了墳場。

養生學分的方向不是廣度，是深度，廣度靠閱覽和資訊，深度靠熟練和傳承，很有廣度的學者專家不少，可是真正有深度的都是親力親為的市井小民。

一旦那自以為是的腦袋依然作威作福，人生的遺憾清單就不斷增加頁數，我們可以不解年輕不懂事階段的傲慢，不應容許自己一生都不解風情，而且虛情假意。

 

（躲藏是一種喜悅，沒被找到則是一種災難。）

Regret Stems from Cowardice

Have you ever seen the look of despair? I have—not just once, but vividly imprinted in my memory.

Ten years ago, I met a young couple. The husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and his wife took care of him tirelessly. I visited them at the hospice center in Chang Gung Health Village. He was so emaciated that he couldn’t even look me in the eye. I was all too familiar with that kind of helplessness, yet I resisted it.

His wife had a graceful demeanor, and we exchanged contact information. However, after her husband passed, she disappeared from my life.

Such expressions of helplessness continued to appear before me—not always in absolute despair, but nearly always filled with regret or powerlessness. What emotions lie behind those empty, unfocused eyes? What patterns of life do we uncover behind regret?

I never intentionally categorized people, yet reality presents a clear division. Some have strong wills and clear goals, while others, with vague objectives, tend to have weaker resolve.

Two worlds, two kinds of people—one belonging to a vast world, the other to a small, intimate one. Those in the larger world overthink, face countless obstacles, and naturally drift with the current. This becomes their default way of life, their ingrained mode of thinking.

The smaller world, on the other hand, consists of a rare few. Fear does not exist in their vision. There is no trace of cowardice in their eyes. Their clarity of purpose unites them.

Strictly speaking, both worlds share the same ultimate goals. The difference lies in whether those goals have been intentionally obscured. “I want to go there, but I don’t have the ability yet.” Is this truth or illusion? More often than not, “lack of willingness” replaces “lack of courage.”

Is it truly a lack of willingness? No. It’s fear, hesitation, cowardice. That forced look of strength hides an underlying truth—they desperately want to do something but are afraid. And the best performance of not admitting fear is saying, “I don’t need to do this.”

Intuition is one of humanity’s most precious senses. It synthesizes information across different times and spaces, transmitting messages through the consensus of both spiritual and bodily awareness. When ignored or avoided, it’s not that the conscious mind truly wants to miss the opportunity—it simply insists on doing so.

In What We Want by psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber, she recounts a conversation with a terminal pancreatic cancer patient. At the brink of death, the woman candidly expressed the pain caused by her own cowardice and the regrets it left behind.

She was the wife of a diplomat, following her husband to foreign assignments. Her glamorous life concealed guilt toward her children and resentment from her ambassador husband—both stemming from regrets. One regret was sending her child to boarding school. The other was discovering that her husband had an affair and fathered a child in Brazil.

Her sorrow and guilt over her child remained buried deep inside. The knowledge of her husband’s secret child was also locked away in her memory. Cancer patients often display a peculiar kind of persistence—a stubborn avoidance of confronting their own fears, a determination to let vanity and pride take the lead.

One day, we all come to realize what we truly want. That is the essence of life’s value. Perhaps, like the ambassador’s wife, it’s the longing to embrace one’s child. Perhaps, it’s expressing gratitude to one’s parents for their upbringing. Yet, a strange force always seems to obstruct us, making the conscious mind deliberately bypass the guidance of intuition.

We are all familiar with human pretense. There are moments when we cannot reveal our true selves, moments when we feel compelled to put on a strong front. But these are not acts of deception; they are manifestations of cowardice and fear.

When life reaches its final countdown, we inevitably review our actions, and the regrets we find are often rooted in cowardice. The self-righteous expressions we once wore turn out to be nothing more than a fusion of cowardice and arrogance.

I am fortunate that my work constantly exposes me to demonstrations of both authenticity and falsehood in human nature. I know all too well the cowardice hidden behind the armor people wear—because the eyes never lie. The brief moment when someone’s gaze flickers is the very instant they tuck their weakness away, hiding it in an unseen drawer.

The eyes speak. “I want” radiates from one’s gaze. “I can” is revealed through body language. “I am willing” is the moment when the mind and intuition shake hands in agreement.

The path to health is not about choosing the right nutrients, brands, or expert opinions. Intuition is the body’s way of speaking—it’s just that we often fail to receive the message or mistake it for junk mail.

The body understands health best. The soul knows life’s direction most clearly. Yet, we spend our entire lives letting an out-of-touch mind act as our tour guide—misinterpreting the body’s needs, ignoring the soul’s cries, and accidentally walking ourselves into the grave.

The pursuit of wellness is not about breadth but depth. Information and reading provide breadth, but depth comes from experience and tradition. Many scholars and experts possess knowledge in great breadth, but those with true depth are the ordinary individuals who immerse themselves in personal practice.

As long as an overconfident mind continues to dominate, the list of life’s regrets will only grow longer. We can excuse the arrogance of youth and ignorance, but we should not allow ourselves to go through life oblivious, insincere, or emotionally detached.

 

Articled By Lei Wei Chen, Translated By ChatGPT